Песня про ёжика [Терри Пратчетт] (fb2) читать постранично
- Песня про ёжика (пер. Ольга Александровна Чигиринская) 11 Кб скачать: (fb2) читать: (полностью) - (постранично) - Терри Пратчетт
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Терри Прaтчетт Песня про ёжика
Можно трахнуть медведя суровой зимой,
Когда мишка в берлоге храпит под сосной.
Не советую этого делать весной,
Ну, а ёжика вовсе не пробуй, друг мой.
Можно трахнуть коня, можно трахнуть осла,
(Пони жалко: уж больно лошадка мала),
Жеребца ломового (тут сила нужна),
Только с ёжика, брат, не возьмёшь ни рожна.
Можно трахнуть быка (с высоты сундука),
И лису, если верить словам знатока,
Кое-кто говорит, можно трахнуть жука,
Только ёжика, братцы, не трахнешь никак.
Энтомолог сказал — можно трахнуть осу,
Герпетолог сказал — и змею (на весу),
Можно трахнуть любую зверушку в лесу,
Только ёжика — нет, заруби на носу.
Можно трахнуть слона (тут стремянка нужна
И матрас, для того, чтоб, упав со слона,
Уцелела спина — высота не страшна!)
Только ёжика трахнуть нельзя ни хрена.
Можно трахнуть кота (это просто мечта!),
Можно кролика трахнуть, из шляпы достав,
Можно трахнуть дельфина и даже кита,
Только с ёжиком выйдет одна маета.
Если ты так удал, поезжай-ка в Непал,
Трахни йети, что водится в Кхумбу-Гимал,
Я охотно признаю, что ты экстремал,
Лишь бы ёжика, парень, ты трахать не стал.
Если чем-то тебе приглянулся удав,
Я навряд ли скажу, что ты круто не прав.
Можно трахнуть жирафу, забравшись на стол,
Только с ёжиком выйдет — буквально — прокол.
Можешь трахать макак (не скажу тебе, как),
Индюков и коров, поросят и собак,
Утконоса, коль скоро ты редкий чудак,
Только ёжика трахнет лишь круглый дурак.
Можно ёжика стукнуть, а можно и пнуть,
Можно тросточкой ёжика в пузико ткнуть,
Можно в ёжика из револьвера пальнуть,
А о том, чтобы трахнуть — и думать забудь.
И в конце трудового тяжелого дня,
Трахнув тигра, летучую мышь и слепня,
Ты воскликнешь устало: "Ну, что за фигня!
Этот долбаный ёжик затрахал меня!"
The Hedgehog Song, v1.7 ----- Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett ----- Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do But I have to say this as a warning to you: With almost all animals, you can have ball But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can The result I think you'll find will appall: The hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Mounting a horse can often be fun An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick you'll end up with naught but a painful prick. He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball, Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo Will be entertaining to both her and you Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 3: (So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come You'll never get through his impregnable bum With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball The hedgehog can never be buggered at all) CHORUS A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet Even a giraffe (despite being so tall) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite We already mentioned the horse, you may recall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell A troll can be rocky if down you should fall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter Or pego a pig after parting his trotters Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS Antipodean pranks — you can futter a wombat Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat Or hump a goanna — go on, do it all But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising, Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb, Or pork a few piglets if you have the time, A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A sheep that's named 'Flossy' is warm you shall see, You can try with a wasp, you can try with a bee. You can hump with the dog that sleeps in the hall, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun, But to keep up with them you may have to run. You'll be liked by the fleas at the flea-market stall, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A hippo is funny but take care if underneath, A pirhana is pleasant but watch out for his teeth. Get a rodent, they can be found in the mall, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You tail-lifting buggers from Ramtop or plain If you take my advice you will save yourself pain When the base urges strike you it's best to recall That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all CHORUS Your hedgehog's a handful and cute as a bun You'd think he'd be perfect for animal fun But hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can top a giraffe if you stand on a
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